"Beak Speak"
Donate your parrot jokes and other fun stuff here.
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Reprinted with special permission of The Flying McCoys 2007 Glenn and Gary McCoy

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said,"I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."

The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read it any more because she can't see very well. I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church,
 but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.                                     
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."                         
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good.  Thanks."

"Michael, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it.  Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

This guy is in a plane when he feels thirsty. So he calls for the stewardess and asks her politely for a Large Whiskey.  There's a parrot in the seat next to him, who snaps, "A double Scotch and make it quick."  "Yes, sir" the stewardess says, and quickly gets the bird his drink - but ignores the guy.  The parrot downs his in one gulp, and says "gimme another."  The stewardess gets him a second drink, ignoring the guy again.  The guy, meanwhile has been asking for his drink very politely.  He then decides to use the parrot's tactics and snarls at the stewardess, "You @#*$% hag, get me my bloody Scotch!"  Suddenly a large co-pilot comes out of the cockpit and ejects both the guy and the parrot off the plane.
As they're falling, the parrot turns to the guy and says, "You know, you're quite brave for someone who can't fly..."


Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler to Merge.

New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.

A drunk is driving with his parrot through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the parrot and the drunk smiles.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few.
"He did all right," the parrot says and the drunk smiles.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the parrot. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not much trouble. The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her, and guaranteed her it would be a wonderful companion.
The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays. The owner said it shouldn't be a problem, and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there.
She bought the parrot, and for the next week spent time getting to know him. Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church.
Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked, and said, "It's damned cold in here!" Everyone turned to look at her, and the woman ran out of the church in total embarrassment!
All the next week, she talked to the parrot, explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church. The parrot understood, so she put him on her shoulder and went to church the following Sunday.
Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began, the parrot squawked, looked around, and loudly proclaimed, "It's damned cold in here!" Again, the woman ran from the church.
The next day, she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner. Since she didn't want to get rid of the parrot, the owner offered the following solution: "If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times, and return him to your shoulder."
That'll work?" asked the woman.
"Guaranteed!" exclaimed the owner.
So, the next Sunday, she took the parrot to church and, sure enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked, "It's damned cold in here!"
Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 or 6 times, and placed him back on her shoulder. The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers, and said, "Pretty f --- in' windy, too!"

An Englishman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Where did you get that thing? The parrot says, "In England! There are a million of 'em."

Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot and a mother-in-law?
A: A bird that talks your ear off!

Q: What do you give a sick bird?
A: A tweetment!

Q: Where do birds play professional baseball?
A: In the mynah leagues!

Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea?
A: If they lived near the bay, they would be bagels!

Q:  What do you call a minor bird accident?
A:  A feather bender.
Q:  What would you name a parrot made out of plastic?
A:  Polly-Esther!
Q:  Who belongs to the P.T.A.?
A:  Parrots and teachers!
Q: Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?
A: Because she wanted to be a Polly-unsaturated!
Q: When is the best time to buy budgies?
A: When they're going cheep!

A man brought his parrot to the office of a late-night talk show.  Knowing that the show was always looking for offbeat guests, the man told the talent coordinator, "If you pull his left leg, he'll sing "The Camptown Races."  Pull his right leg, he'll sing "Swanee River."  The coordinator said, "What happens if you pull both legs?"  The parrot replied, "I fall off the darn perch, dummy!"

Have you heard about the disease you get from kissing birds? It's called cherpies...It's one of those new canarial diseases....It's untweetable.

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table! Bwaaak!"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood adrift in the middle of the ocean -- with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and yet another.
Finally, after a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

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Newsday 6/00

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say," the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!"

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:On the first day of creation, God created the parrot.
:On the second day, God created man to serve the parrot.
:On the third day, God created all the vegetables and nuts of the earth to serve as potential food for the parrot.
:On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the parrot.
:On the fifth day, God created cables and ropes so that the parrot could chew through them.
:On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the parrot healthy and the man broke.
:On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to clean the parrot cages...

A burglar broke into a house late one night. As he was loading loot into his bag, he heard someone say, "Jesus is watching you." The burglar was slightly alarmed, but continued robbing the house. Then he heard it again. "Jesus is watching you." After hearing it a third time, the burglar found the source of the warnings-- a smart little parrot.
"Well, hiya," the burglar said. "What's your name?"
"Clarence," the parrot replied.
"Ha!  What kind of bozo would name their bird Clarence?" the burglar snorted.
To this the parrot answered, "The same bozo who named his Rottweiler Jesus!"

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A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500."
"Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer. The owner says "Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research."
The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.
Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."

A lady went to an auction and was smitten by a beautiful parrot for sale and decided that she must own this gorgeous bird!
When the bird came up on the block, the auctioneer called out, "How much starting bid for this parrot?" and the lady yelled out her bid of "Seven hundred dollars!"
..."Eight hundred!" "Eight-fifty!" "Nine hundred!" went the next several bids, and the lady then bidded "One thousand dollars!"...
Well, the bidding went on this way for several minutes until she found herself the proud owner of an parrot for $1500. She approached the auctioneer and asked him "Can the bird talk?" to which the auctioneer replied "Lady, who do you think was bidding against you?"

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Newsday 12/7/98

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady!  You're really ugly!"  Furious, the lady stormed past the store to work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot again and it said to her, "Hey lady!   You're really ugly!"   She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day she walks past the same parrot again and it says to her, "Hey lady! You're really ugly!"   The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said she would sue the store to get rid of the bird.  The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady!" She paused and said, "Yes?"  The bird said, "You know."